1. In the beginning, there was Death.

Like all good rebirths, my story starts with Death.

Death of ego.

Our ego is merely a self image, a center constructed through a lens of judgment, opinion, societal norms that we squeeze, mold and shape ourselves to fit into any given group in a search for validation and acceptance.

I had always danced on the edge of what is viewed as appropriate for society.

I somehow danced between acceptable and yet strange.

My father was a great advocate of eschewing social norms.
He taught me fearless independence but always in the safety of his presence.

While I had practiced independence my biggest ego trip was the need to be loved, attachment.
My Father died early one summer, 5 years ago.

My world had shattered.
I had lost a large part of me and wallowed in sorrow.
The pain of grief felt as though my heart was literally tearing in two.
Surrounded by a young family, two young boys and a partner I began to sink deeper.
The one man who had loved me unconditionally had now gone from my life, I felt so alone and unsure.
My need and ache to know I was loved, to feel loved, the desire for attachment tore shreds from my soul as I searched for it in my partner.

What had began as a beautiful love story soon turned into a mess of chaos and confusion weighing heavier on me, already broken from grief.

I felt I had to constantly battle for attention, me V alcohol ......But this story isn't about him. Its about me, how I feel about the version of events from his end is not what this is about.

Soon I slipped into masking my pain and grief with alcohol and drugs. I wanted to be numb and in turn of living a life of numbness I became reckless in finding cheap thrills in order to feel something, anything.

I became so consumed in masking my pain that I could no longer see the chaos I was creating around me.


Life was Dark and cold. I viewed the world with utter disdain....I would soon learn that this was just simply a reflection of how I felt about myself.

My need for attachment and constant reassurance pushing him further away and my ego searching endlessly for validation in places where it would never be found.

Soon a landslide of events lead to my utter downfall.

The blackouts, the spinouts, the depression, the crippling anxiety.

until one day I find myself wrestling on the front lawn grasping at a fist full of pills, "just let me go" is all I can recall saying over and over in my blurred mess of a mind.

We knew it was time to move on long before we had actually parted for the last time.

We did the painful dance of on again off again for what felt like forever, our egos not wanting to let go of the comfort of familiarity, clinging to old memories that belonged to two young people who no longer existed.

We became toxic.

The last time we parted was not pretty, it was not on good terms, I did not want to leave but as I left for the last time I knew......This was it.

I had by this stage already started taking responsibility for myself, my health and my actions.

The attempt to kill myself had been a big wake up call, this is not me. I do not give up now.

I had taken myself to counselling and began taking everything out at the gym.

Small steps forward I was rebuilding but at the very last goodbye was shattered once again.

But why ? Why when the toxicity was literally killing us ?

Attachment. that word again.

Days passed,
Weeks passed.
We desperately tried to remain "friends" but in time that too seemed as toxic as "together"

I felt I had to grow and in doing so it was time to let go.

Inevitably friends faded away as we went our separate ways.

Some not surprising, many unbiased and one heartbreaking.

I died a thousand times in shedding the layers of my ego that had built an attachment so strong to both my father and ex that I felt like nothing without them.


Each time I opened myself up to feeling the pain, feeling the anger, feeling the sadness and taking it head on, I faced it like a warrior.....because if all this had happened and yet here I still am, What did I have to lose in taking everything life was throwing at me. Instead of hiding from the war raging in me I stood tall as a warrior and took each ounce of pain like a sword and in my downfall I found destruction of my ego......and as my ego began to die something started burning in me, something I had not felt in years. I felt a surge of freedom.I felt energy pour through every cell as I rebuilt.  I felt alive.

The day had come I could think back on the past and instead of feeling hurt and anger I simply smiled and felt gratitude for everything that had happened. I felt the catalyst of something truly powerful growing in me.

I had no idea who I was as an adult, without the safety of a partner....without the safety of my father.

It was time to find out.

And so the End had become the beginning.